Successful communication is an essential leadership and life skill. Engaging well with others depends on it.
Here’s Julian Treasure with a 10-minute TedX talk on “How to speak so that people want to listen” that’s very worthwhile, with one caveat about his take on “judging” (more on that in a bit).
If you want people to listen and take notice when you speak, you may want to audit yourself and be sure you’re not committing one or more of these “seven deadly sins” of speaking.
1. Gossiping – speaking ill of someone who is not present. Nobody really likes a gossip.
2. Constantly pronouncing judgment – Julian states it simply as “Judging”, with which I cannot agree. (This is the caveat. More below.)
3. Being negative – nobody listens to a pessimist (except maybe another pessimist);
4. Complaining – which Julian aptly refers to as “Viral Misery”;
5. Making excuses – not taking responsibility for one’s actions, always blaming someone else. (MJ: No surer way exists to stymie your progress in an organization);
6. Embroidering – aka, exaggeration, aka, lying;
7. Being Dogmatic – You know this guy. The one who always knows everything about everything, treating his opinions as facts and boring you with them constantly. Blah, blah, blah.
Now, a little more on #2, Judging.
You need to judge everything and everyone, to the best of your ability, with all available evidence, constantly.
How do you deal with people unless you judge them first? Is the new boss rational? Is this salesman being honest? Are my friends giving me straight feedback or telling “white” lies to make me feel better? Judging, in this context, means doing your best to always know the truth. Not only is there nothing wrong with making judgements, doing so is your duty to yourself.
What I hope Julian really means, and what I would advocate, is that one should not constantly pronounce or pass judgement. First of all, not everyone needs to know everything you’re thinking all the time. It’s called, “keeping your own council”. Secondly, judging people and situations is, especially in the beginning, a fluid process. You need to take care not to judge conclusively too quickly. Often a first impression or “thin slice” will give you an accurate picture, but not always. Snap judgements can be terribly wrong. (Read more on this in Seth Godin’s excellent book, Blink.)
So when should you pronounce judgement? When you’re sure, and when to not express your judgement would be an act of injustice. Otherwise, “always be judging”, but keep it to yourself or share only with close confidants.
Now, here’s Julian Treasure:
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A little related reading (all 5 minutes or less):